And he ran...

So, when I was 10 years old, I was a brat.  I was a self-absorbed, moody, back-talking, stubborn brat.  I don't deny it.  I wasn't nice to a lot of people, and I was especially not very nice to my mom.  I said a lot of things to her at that time that were just downright mean, but she was gracious to me and many times overlooked my sinfulness.  But there was one time, on Mother's Day, when I said something to her that hurt her deeply.  Over the next few days my guilt really started to weigh on me, but I struggled to find the words to express to her how sorry I was for the way I acted.  She did forgive me, but I never really got over it.  The next year, one week before Mother's Day, she died from cancer.  

This morning I read Luke 24:1-12, and was hit hard with the last verse. 

"But Peter got up and ran to the tomb; stooping and looking in, 

he saw the linen wrappings only; and he went away to his home,

marveling at what had happened."

When I read it, I cried.  Maybe it was partially because I am in the throws of a hormonal pregnancy, but I think it was mostly because of what I read yesterday.  Mark 14:66-72 recounts the story of how Peter denied Jesus three times the night Jesus was arrested.  

I realized then how much I am like Peter.  Loud, brash, shooting off at the hip, making promises I can't keep, and whatever else you want to throw in there, but when I read verse 12 this morning, I think I felt what Peter may have felt when he realized there was a possibility that Jesus was alive.  He would get a second chance to do things right; to make sure that his friend and savior knew how sorry he was for denying him on the very night Jesus was voluntarily being beaten and tortured for the world.  I can't imagine the pain and grief that Peter experienced three days before, when he realized what he had done; the hopelessness he felt at the thought that he would never get to say he was sorry for denying Jesus.  

"BUT Peter got up and ran to the tomb..." because he had just been told by the women, who were visiting the tomb moments earlier, that Jesus was not there.  Can you imagine the thoughts that went through his head?  I'm sure at some point during that early morning sprint that he replayed the scene of himself denying Jesus and thought maybe he would get the chance to tell him how sorry he was.  

I know that is what I would be thinking.  

The good news is Jesus was not there.  He had risen from the grave, and Peter did get a second chance.  The scriptures don't explicitly tell us that Peter officially apologized for what he had done, but I'm sure Jesus knew the guilt that was weighing on his disciple's heart.  

I cannot express to you how this good news makes me feel.  Everyday I'm alive, God gives me a chance to start over and recover from how badly I wrecked the day before.  He reminds me that his mercies are new every morning and that He has forgiven my sin once and for all and he gently draws me close to him as the guilt of my sin sometimes consumes me. 

I will never get it right while I'm here on earth, but he has given me hope and joy through his work on the cross, and one day I will see him face-to-face and will marvel as his lovingkindness.  

Thank you!

I just wanted to say  THANK YOU so much to everyone for your kind responses to my blog post on Friday.  

I received the sweetest comments, Facebook messages, emails, and text messages over the weekend.  

God has been good in reviving my soul over the past few days and you gals were a part of that.  

I wanted to share a verse that has been on repeat in my thoughts and encourage you to memorize it with me.  

I am thankful for you all and your encouragement!

Love, 

Laura

Vulnerable

So I guess it has been months since I last did this thing called blogging.

There are reasons...

Many reasons.

But basically, I didn't feel like writing.  I didn't feel like I had anything worth saying.  So I didn't say anything.

But that is not all.

There has also been a struggle going on in my heart.  One that I hesitate to write about, but I feel prompted to share.  So I'm going to get vulnerable.

Before Mr. T and I had Sweet P, we struggled to get pregnant.  I kind of hate using the word struggled, because compared to some women, ours was not much of a struggle.  But according to the Dr.s, there was no rhyme or reason why I should not be getting pregnant.  I just wasn't.  Eventually, I was put on fertility meds, and 2 rounds later along came our daughter.

During my pregnancy and even afterwards, I was confident that getting pregnant and having a child would somehow 'right' my body, and having baby 2 would be easy.  But it didn't happen.

This is where I struggle to speak about this journey.  I am thankful to the moon and back for our Sweet P, and see God's blessings on Mr. T and I by giving her to us.  But there is still that sadness that lurks in the corners of my heart, wanting another child that I cannot seem to have.  I do not want to seem ungrateful, or have a complaining spirit.  There are women out there who have miscarriage, after miscarriage, or have tried everything and still cannot get pregnant and my heart BREAKS for them.  I have never experienced that and would never compare my story to theirs. My story is my own, and I recognize that God is writing it.

But, the desire and struggle for another child is very real.  And for me, it's been a lonely road.

The journey has not been quite as emotional since we already have a child, and if anything, it causes me to cherish her even more.  But I struggle to speak about it since my plight is not that too great of a burden.  Obviously, there are worse things I could be facing.

But, God has been working in my heart.  I am recognizing more and more that my desire is a godly one, and not something to be ashamed of.  I believe He wants us to desire to have many children, whether naturally, through adoption, or spiritually.  I just need to learn to not exalt my desires above his.

We may never have another child.  It is painful to say that, but I need to be open about it.  I'm sure I'm not the only mom that has experienced this, but it's not too often that I hear the raw honesty about this specific struggle.

We are praying fervently about our next steps and God's will for our lives.  It's frustrating to not have answers, and I don't know that we will ever get any.  But this statement with always ring true for me, 'He is still good.'

An Emotional Day: Part 1

October 1st 2012 is a day I will never forget.

It's the day that I sat in a Starbucks for 5+ hours trying not to think about the ball of nerves in my stomach, or how sweaty my palms were.  

It's the day that I clung to my phone as if my life depended on it, and in a way it did.  

It's the day that I mentally sat in silence before the Lord knowing that he knew my plea, and I awaited his answer.  

It's the day my 5lb, red headed, little girl had open heart surgery.  

I cannot even write this post without tearing up after each sentence.  

I have not written much, if anything about the day Sweet P had her life changing surgery.  Mainly because it's a day that I don't want to remember, and at the same time am utterly thankful for it.  I still struggle going through the timeline of that day because I feel all the emotions as if it were happening all over again.  I guess that is what it means to be a momma. 

We were not originally expecting to have Sweet P's surgery that early in her short life.  The hope was that she would gain some weight and chunk up to about 8-10 pounds before they would move ahead and repair her heart, but her weight gain was just not happening.  Her acid reflux was so bad at this point that she was under constant monitoring at the hospital due to her high risk of aspirating.  

I remember the head surgeon came to speak to us the day before and go over everything that was going to happen.  The surgery would be anywhere from 6-8 hours long with a phone call from one of the nurses once an hour with an update.  There was great risk in doing this on a baby so small, but he assured us that he had done this successfully on children smaller than Sweet P.  

I wasn't so assured.  

The next morning they came and got her at 6am.  Two different pastors came from our church and prayed with us over Sweet P's surgery.  I don't think they will ever know on this side of heaven how much them being there meant to me.   Throughout the course of the morning other friends trickled in and out to be with us as we waited.  Each time the phone rang, Todd and I jumped up and ran out of the coffee shop to make sure we could hear each word that the nurse said to us.  

Finally we got the call that the surgery was done and that the surgeon wanted to talk to us upstairs at the babies cardiac intensive care unit.  

We waited for what seemed like an eternity, and finally they rounded the corner pushing Sweet P in an isolate attached to what seemed like every machine in the world.  They asked us to stay outside the room until they had her situated and stable and then they would come and get us.  

The surgeon said that the surgery was a success, and that he was pleased with how everything went.  But now we had to wait to see if her heart would accept what had been done to it.  The next 24 hours would be critical.  

A few minutes later we were able to go in and see her.  But before we went in, they prepared us.  It won't be easy seeing her this way, a nurse warned me.  

I made it about 2 minutes in her room and then collapsed, sobbing, in the waiting room floor.   

30th Year Reflection

I am 31 years old.
Really?
I don't feel like it.

Do you ever think about how old you are and it sorta hits you in the face like a brick wall?

Last month I turned 31 and spent some time thinking about the past year.  It was definitely not what I would have imagined it being.  If you have been around here for any length of time you know a little bit about our Sweet P and her awesome story.

One year ago on my 30th birthday, Sweet P had just come home from the hospital the day before.  One year ago today, I was in a dark place.  That time between her finally coming home from the hospital, to when she had her open heart surgery in October was a very difficult, and draining time.  I honestly don't know how we did it.  She was on 9 different meds that had to be administered alternatively every 4 hours; she had to wear an apnea monitor 24/7; she was pump fed via an NG tube in her nose every 3 hours; and had severe acid reflux which caused her to vomit after every feed even in her sleep.  Not to mention the anxiety I felt every day in anticipation of her surgery.

There were days where I wondered if we could keep doing this.
There were days where I was so out of it, I don't even remember them.
There were days I wanted to give up.

I'm not proud to say that on many occasions I yelled at God.  I'm not talking about I would 'fuss' quietly in my head, but I would get in my car, shut the door, roll up the window, and scream and pound my fist.  Why would God allow this to happen to an innocent child?  She didn't do anything to him.  I mean, I know we live in a world that has been warped by sin and it damages us all, but he is still in control, right? So since he created her, he could have kept this from happening or at the very least given her a physical ailment we could have handled.

I cannot adequately explain the way God lovingly reminded me that he had a plan and was bigger than what I was going through and that in all actuality, our situation was not all that bad.  Time after time, I would come across a story of another family whose baby was in the hospital indefinitely with an issue that could not be fixed.  In fact, during the time Sweet P was hospitalized for her surgery, the baby in the isolate next to her was dying because she needed a heart transplant, and there was no heart available.  I think I ended up spending as much time praying for that baby as I did my own.

I still don't have a clear answer as to why God chose us to experience what we did, but I can say that now, a year later, my heart is much softer.  I love meeting mommas to little ones that have had a health condition.  There is a commonality there that can't be explained.  I now spend more time thinking of the breadth of God which in turn makes whatever I'm going through seem much less intimidating.  'Look full in the face of God', as the song says, has a whole new meaning to me.  When I choose to do that, everything else comes into focus.

This past year has been bittersweet to the extreme.  It was hard for me as a momma, but sweet for me as a child of God.  

Merry Christmas

Sorry this post is a little late, but I wanted to send a little Christmas love and cheer your way.  I hope you all have had a wonderful Christmas season and remember the reason why we celebrate.
Much love!
Laura

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. 
Isaiah 9:6

Two words

'Jesus wept.' Right now I am clinging to those two words. In my life I have heard many sermons on the eleventh chapter of John. Everything from this was one of Jesus' greatest miracles to the theological importance of Jesus' answer to Martha (read the chapter). But I can honestly say to you that right now I could care less about those other 56 verses. All I need are those two words. You see, in those two words I don't see theology, or some random act of emotion. I see a savior who feels the same way I do and is willing to sit on a hospital floor and cry over the possibility of a little girl named Piper Grace Hendricks losing her life. I see a friend who is upset about the fact that a three month old has to struggle to breathe and cry when she is in pain. I have never had to face anything this hard in my life. I am a child of God and would dare say I'm a mature Christian. But with everything I have learned about my heavenly Father, all I need to know in this moment is that He feels what I feel and and loves my little girl more than I ever could. I know this is an obvious statement but until you live it then it is just a cliche. All those commentaries I read and papers I wrote in seminary do not compare to the depth of what I am learning right now sitting next to my daughter's hospital bed. I know that I am called a daughter and friend by the most high God. But more than that I know that when I weep, Jesus weeps with me.

One Month: Piper Grace part 2

Yesterday I began to tell you about Piper's congenital heart failure, and what the past month has been like for Todd and I.  Once Piper had been in the NICU for a few days, things started to look better.  She was eating well, and resting, but then on the day she was 1 week old things got bad again.  Todd and I could tell right away that something didn't seem right with her.  She was very lethargic, refusing to eat, and basically just laying there and not sleeping.  That night we received about four different phone calls from the Dr.s giving us bad news after bad news.  Piper's gut (intestines, and colon) were not working properly.  They first realized this when she had a bloody diaper, and then further investigated with x-rays.  

The next morning we realized how severe this issue was.  She was taken off milk and was only receiving fluids through an IV in her head.  She also had to have a tube put in through her mouth to suck out anything that might be in her stomach.  They wanted her to stay this way for several days to see if her gut could recover.  If it did not, then they would have to perform surgery and remove a large portion of her intestines which is very risky.  

Piper's weight started to drop and she went down to 3.14 lbs.  Her heart issue was no longer a top priority.  She was now fighting for her life over this intestine issue.  

Todd and I were helpless.  We didn't know what to think, say, feel.  Watching our daughter gag on a tube and not be allowed to eat was probably the hardest think we've ever had to see.  But she did recover.  Apparently her gut was not mature enough to handle the amount of milk she had been given, and reacted violently.  Now she has been eased back into feeding and is taking her bottles pretty well.  

Those few days were very intense for me.  

There have been many occasions in my life were I have cried out to God, but not quite like I did during that time.  Knowing that I was a mom, and feeling like a mom were two totally different things.  I couldn't do anything to help my little girl... at least that is what I thought.  But then I was reminded that I could storm God's throne on Piper's behalf, and what better advocate than her mom.  

God reminded us that He was still in control of the situation and was just as present then as he ever was.  Thankfully things have gotten better since that day and a lot has happened, but that will be in another post on another day.  

One Month: Piper Grace

She has arrived!  My sweet little girl, Piper Grace, was born one month ago today.  

She is the most beautiful baby girl I have ever seen, and is so sweet too.  

Todd and I are so in love with her.  

But this past month has been the hardest of my life.  

Piper was born via c-section at 39 weeks.  Although she was considered a full-term baby, she was very small at 4.2 lbs.  Immediately the Dr.s were concerned, and realized her blood sugar was very low.  Soon after she was taken to the special care nursery to be monitored and given fluids.  Unfortunately that was not the end of Piper's health issues.  A few days later, on what seemed like a random chance, the Dr realized that Piper had a heart murmur and was very concerned.  Within the hour we were told Piper had two large holes in her heart and that the staff at Durham Regional was not able to handle it.  We were then told that Piper would need to be sent to Duke via ambulance to await assessment to see how severe the defect was and if she would need immediate open heart surgery.  I was able to ride with her, but upon arrival had to leave her and wait for the Dr.s report.  

 I cannot express to you how hard those 30 minutes were.  Todd and I had no idea what was going on; if Dr.s were performing surgery, just listening to her, doing x-rays.  We were at a loss.  Finally someone came out and told us that the situation did not warrant immediate surgery, however, she was considered a critical care baby and would be intensely monitored until they could get a better grasp on her heart condition.  

We were able to go back and visit with her for a while, but eventually had to go home without our little girl.  

I do not mean to be dramatic by stopping here, but there is so much more to all of this than I can write in one post.  I know that most of you have been keeping up with Piper's updates on facebook, and have been praying for us.  Please keep praying.  We covet your prayers and are moved by your encouragement.  This whole situation has been hard and trying, but I hope that through what I have to say here in the days and weeks to come, and through other conversations that God will use Piper's life for His glory.  

Mother's Day!

I got to celebrate Mother's Day!!  You have no idea how much it makes my heart happy to be able to say that I'm a mommy to a baby girl.  I know that she is not born yet, but given the journey that I have been on to get here, I will enjoy every second of being pregnant and the fact that I'm going to be a mom.

My wonderful husband made the whole weekend amazing.  On Saturday I got to celebrate Piper with my first baby shower, and then Todd took me to Cheesecake Factory (one of my favorite restaurants).  Man, was it good.  Then Sunday morning, he woke me up with gifts and breakfast in bed.  (Whew, I love that man.) 

I had picked out a couple of neckalces on Etsy that I liked and Todd choose to get me this one. 

I lurve it!!  Seriously have not taken it off since Sunday.

He made me cinnamon buns.  I think I may have licked the icing off the plate.



I had such a wonderful Mother's day!  I am so thankful to God for blessing us with a little girl.  He is so good.  I am also thankful for the wonderful examples that God has put into my life of what a mom looks like.  My own mother left a legacy for me to imitate, and later I was blessed with another mom in Carol. Then two years ago, God blessed me again with the best Mother-in-law ever.  All of these women have had such a godly influence on me and shown me what it is like to be a godly mom, in an ungodly world. 

Here is a quick snapshot of what 32 weeks looks like. 

Todd, thank you so much for giving me such a wonderful Mother's day.  I love you so much and I'm so thankful to be having this little girl with you!

Happy Easter!

I cannot explain properly with words how Easter Sunday makes me feel.  Knowing that my Savior defeated death gives me hope that surpasses all things in this world.

So since my words wont do it justice, just listen to this song and do your best to not sing out loud and jump for joy!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XVKqYT2ecM&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Luke 24: 1-12
HE IS NOT HERE, BUT HAS RISEN!

Hello Baby!

Haven't been blogging lately because..... I'm pregnant!!  Todd and I found out back in October, and I am almost 14 weeks.  It really has been an easy pregnancy so far.  My only complaint is that I'm exhausted all. the. time.  But this baby is such a blessing and praise.  God has been good to us and allowed us to get pregnant in His timing.  I'm due July 6th, and can't wait to meet this little one.

(Couldn't get the picture to flip.)

 11 Weeks

 12 Weeks

13 Weeks

Reflection of 2011

Let me say right up front, I'm glad it's 2012.  I have so much to look forward to this year, that I'm thrilled that it is here.  2011 was not an easy year for me.  In many ways it was probably one of the hardest years I have ever had.

In November 2010, Todd and I learned that the path to pregnancy would not be an easy one.  With each passing month, things seemed to get worse.  Doctors couldn't figure out why I wasn't ovulating, and the meds they were prescribing were not yielding any results.  Soon after I quickly slipped into a state of depression, and didn't want to be around anyone.  I found myself hating God, and questioning his reasoning for denying me a child.  Everyday I cried and ached for that baby I thought I would never have.  And soon it became very evident that I was in a dark place, with a fear gripped so tightly around me that it changed me.

     Why would God deny a woman the very thing he commanded her to do? 

Reproduce, be fruitful and multiply.  

Why would he take away the one thing I had wanted all my life? 

To be a mother.  After all, didn't he deny me this as a child by taking away my own mother?  

The unknown was unbearable.  Not having answers drove me deeper and deeper into a state of despair.  I didn't even realize the effect it was having on me until one day my husband told me that I never smiled anymore. I thought I was hiding my hurt pretty well, but I knew at that point that it was bad.  

Soon after, I cried out to God to forgive me and help me through the pain.  He quickly showed me that being a mom or not being a mom, was not my identity.  My identity began and ended with the cross.  Period.  Nothing else needed to be added to my life.  The work of the cross was and is enough.  

Once God began to transform my fear into joy, I was able to see the darkness of where I was mentally and spiritually.  Even now as I read my journal from last year, I get emotional at some of the painful entries and things I was feeling at the time.  But I'm glad that I'm able to look back and see what God has pulled me out of, and where he is taking me now.  

2012 will be a good year for many reasons, but mainly because of how God has transformed me.  I am able to see where I have grown in my relationship with him, and even though I have lots to learn, I'm looking forward to what he has in store.  It could actually be a difficult year, but I have learned to see my life through the lens of the gospel.  

God is good.  His work on the cross, is enough.  Jesus resurrection gives hope, and I can have joy in where I stand with him.