Tuesday, September 10, 2013

30th Year Reflection

I am 31 years old.
I don't feel like it.

Do you ever think about how old you are and it sorta hits you in the face like a brick wall?

Last month I turned 31 and spent some time thinking about the past year.  It was definitely not what I would have imagined it being.  If you have been around here for any length of time you know a little bit about our Sweet P and her awesome story.

One year ago on my 30th birthday, Sweet P had just come home from the hospital the day before.  One year ago today, I was in a dark place.  That time between her finally coming home from the hospital, to when she had her open heart surgery in October was a very difficult, and draining time.  I honestly don't know how we did it.  She was on 9 different meds that had to be administered alternatively every 4 hours; she had to wear an apnea monitor 24/7; she was pump fed via an NG tube in her nose every 3 hours; and had severe acid reflux which caused her to vomit after every feed even in her sleep.  Not to mention the anxiety I felt every day in anticipation of her surgery.

There were days where I wondered if we could keep doing this.
There were days where I was so out of it, I don't even remember them.
There were days I wanted to give up.

I'm not proud to say that on many occasions I yelled at God.  I'm not talking about I would 'fuss' quietly in my head, but I would get in my car, shut the door, roll up the window, and scream and pound my fist.  Why would God allow this to happen to an innocent child?  She didn't do anything to him.  I mean, I know we live in a world that has been warped by sin and it damages us all, but he is still in control, right? So since he created her, he could have kept this from happening or at the very least given her a physical ailment we could have handled.

I cannot adequately explain the way God lovingly reminded me that he had a plan and was bigger than what I was going through and that in all actuality, our situation was not all that bad.  Time after time, I would come across a story of another family whose baby was in the hospital indefinitely with an issue that could not be fixed.  In fact, during the time Sweet P was hospitalized for her surgery, the baby in the isolate next to her was dying because she needed a heart transplant, and there was no heart available.  I think I ended up spending as much time praying for that baby as I did my own.

I still don't have a clear answer as to why God chose us to experience what we did, but I can say that now, a year later, my heart is much softer.  I love meeting mommas to little ones that have had a health condition.  There is a commonality there that can't be explained.  I now spend more time thinking of the breadth of God which in turn makes whatever I'm going through seem much less intimidating.  'Look full in the face of God', as the song says, has a whole new meaning to me.  When I choose to do that, everything else comes into focus.

This past year has been bittersweet to the extreme.  It was hard for me as a momma, but sweet for me as a child of God.