Reflection of 2011

Let me say right up front, I'm glad it's 2012.  I have so much to look forward to this year, that I'm thrilled that it is here.  2011 was not an easy year for me.  In many ways it was probably one of the hardest years I have ever had.

In November 2010, Todd and I learned that the path to pregnancy would not be an easy one.  With each passing month, things seemed to get worse.  Doctors couldn't figure out why I wasn't ovulating, and the meds they were prescribing were not yielding any results.  Soon after I quickly slipped into a state of depression, and didn't want to be around anyone.  I found myself hating God, and questioning his reasoning for denying me a child.  Everyday I cried and ached for that baby I thought I would never have.  And soon it became very evident that I was in a dark place, with a fear gripped so tightly around me that it changed me.

     Why would God deny a woman the very thing he commanded her to do? 

Reproduce, be fruitful and multiply.  

Why would he take away the one thing I had wanted all my life? 

To be a mother.  After all, didn't he deny me this as a child by taking away my own mother?  

The unknown was unbearable.  Not having answers drove me deeper and deeper into a state of despair.  I didn't even realize the effect it was having on me until one day my husband told me that I never smiled anymore. I thought I was hiding my hurt pretty well, but I knew at that point that it was bad.  

Soon after, I cried out to God to forgive me and help me through the pain.  He quickly showed me that being a mom or not being a mom, was not my identity.  My identity began and ended with the cross.  Period.  Nothing else needed to be added to my life.  The work of the cross was and is enough.  

Once God began to transform my fear into joy, I was able to see the darkness of where I was mentally and spiritually.  Even now as I read my journal from last year, I get emotional at some of the painful entries and things I was feeling at the time.  But I'm glad that I'm able to look back and see what God has pulled me out of, and where he is taking me now.  

2012 will be a good year for many reasons, but mainly because of how God has transformed me.  I am able to see where I have grown in my relationship with him, and even though I have lots to learn, I'm looking forward to what he has in store.  It could actually be a difficult year, but I have learned to see my life through the lens of the gospel.  

God is good.  His work on the cross, is enough.  Jesus resurrection gives hope, and I can have joy in where I stand with him.