Friday, June 20, 2014

Vulnerable

So I guess it has been months since I last did this thing called blogging.

There are reasons...

Many reasons.

But basically, I didn't feel like writing.  I didn't feel like I had anything worth saying.  So I didn't say anything.

But that is not all.

There has also been a struggle going on in my heart.  One that I hesitate to write about, but I feel prompted to share.  So I'm going to get vulnerable.

Before Mr. T and I had Sweet P, we struggled to get pregnant.  I kind of hate using the word struggled, because compared to some women, ours was not much of a struggle.  But according to the Dr.s, there was no rhyme or reason why I should not be getting pregnant.  I just wasn't.  Eventually, I was put on fertility meds, and 2 rounds later along came our daughter.

During my pregnancy and even afterwards, I was confident that getting pregnant and having a child would somehow 'right' my body, and having baby 2 would be easy.  But it didn't happen.

This is where I struggle to speak about this journey.  I am thankful to the moon and back for our Sweet P, and see God's blessings on Mr. T and I by giving her to us.  But there is still that sadness that lurks in the corners of my heart, wanting another child that I cannot seem to have.  I do not want to seem ungrateful, or have a complaining spirit.  There are women out there who have miscarriage, after miscarriage, or have tried everything and still cannot get pregnant and my heart BREAKS for them.  I have never experienced that and would never compare my story to theirs. My story is my own, and I recognize that God is writing it.

But, the desire and struggle for another child is very real.  And for me, it's been a lonely road.

The journey has not been quite as emotional since we already have a child, and if anything, it causes me to cherish her even more.  But I struggle to speak about it since my plight is not that too great of a burden.  Obviously, there are worse things I could be facing.

But, God has been working in my heart.  I am recognizing more and more that my desire is a godly one, and not something to be ashamed of.  I believe He wants us to desire to have many children, whether naturally, through adoption, or spiritually.  I just need to learn to not exalt my desires above his.

We may never have another child.  It is painful to say that, but I need to be open about it.  I'm sure I'm not the only mom that has experienced this, but it's not too often that I hear the raw honesty about this specific struggle.

We are praying fervently about our next steps and God's will for our lives.  It's frustrating to not have answers, and I don't know that we will ever get any.  But this statement with always ring true for me, 'He is still good.'


1 comment:

  1. Before I had Mason I felt the same way! With Ella it was a first time try but with Mason it was almost a year of trying :( no reason why and the Dr. would say "just relax" but I was so lonely and not getting pregnant didnt bother my husband...it was emotional and very hard on me! Now as I sit here watching my almost 1yr old walk around and play with his big sister I am thankful that God had His timing just right! God right now I ask that you give Laura and her family another child if its Your will and if its not Your will that you will give Laura the peace in her heart...and show her ways fulfill your plan for her life! AMEN!

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